Back on the 6th of September, I had celebrated my life on this earth for 67 years. I never hid the number from anyone. As time has passed, I learned many lessons. I noticed that some really are not repeating anymore. I celebrated those. I have hit the existing ones head on.
As I grow older I matured. my mind didn’t feel old, but my body reminded me. My body took the brunt end of my emotions through those lessons. The lesson that took the hardest hit at me was the loss of my two children. Wondering why I’m here and the two boys left at such an early age. My friend told me that my eyes looked vacant yestersday. This bothered me. Because I saw it in the photo myself.
Why me? That wasn’t the question. The creator doesn’t want a pity party! I took that lesson to task and asked the creator on the Harvest Moon. A time when the vail between the worlds is thin. I trust the creator, but doesn’t mean I have to like the answer. I try to understand it. The answer was that I fulfilled my purpose as a parent into ascending their spirtual growth to their perspective levels in the upper dimensions. They did their part in my lessons into ascending to my level of spirituality on earth. As I mature I may not have done so if they were not in my life to test me. This was an agreement on the other side between us. They were my teachers there and on earth.
Trying to understand this thought I remembered reading a meme a few months ago about how when you lose a child, that you are at a very high spiritual level at this point in time and closest to the creator. The grief is so gut wrenching that you have nothing left to lose. This also means that the greatest and strongest power is within us to create. To have endless flows of energy. But i couldn’t see it at the time. As the fog and shell shock of grief starts to wear off, you start to create , write, draw, design, stitch fheal and many other wonderful things. I’m finding a sense of peace that knowing my children are in good hands and they are serving their purpose. I know they are around me all the time.
Now it is my turnto pay attention to the path and the direction I am going. I am free to do this now. Just have to give myself the permissionto do so. I saw after I got that message last night that I have some marching orders. I was set free, thekids are ok. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever not miss them, I certainly love them. It means that it is out of my hands. It is my turn to be healed and then to heal.To heal through my arts and through my gift of healing. My soul has been hungry for a long time. Grief has taken a good part of the past 7 years of my life between my two beautiful sons. Time to feed her and not my body.
I really like this quote today. I needed the reminder today. I worked my whole life and now in retirement. It is easy to slip into a comfortable mode. I really don’t want to totally be comfortable. There is always a need to strive for something wonderful.
What I’m striving for now is to help others who have just started their journey. I never claim to be an expert. However, I have been there and definitely bought the T-shirt. As a single parent, I have mastered the art of networking. It was a survival technique to get one through the day. If one source didn’t work, on to the next with no regrets. That is what made me tough and strong. I Mostly landing on my feet. If there was a block, I worked a little more. I have many accomplishments. That is what I hold onto. Because now with the loss of two children, I use that core of my accomplishments to hold me up daily.
I worked as a programmer in earlier years and then a contract executive assistant and technical writer. Mostly in a men’s world. Working the crazy hours, and still came home to be with the children to get them through their evening routine and to bed. Many women are still married and they find they have to do it alone too! The responsibility is mostly on their shoulders.
I’ve experienced that time when I was afraid to leave a relationship, but it dawned on me, that I was doing it all anyway. Many control freaks do a good job of trying to insist you are worthless. But oh no, not this one. Bye Felicia!
NOOOooooo, I do not want those crazy hours anymore. But I will not lose that drive, the motivation, to keep on going in a forward motion. I worked most of my life. You just don’t lose that identity. Your desire keeps your heart going and puts a nice smile on your face!
The 5 phases of grief do not come to you in any specific order. Just because you went through the phase it doesn’t mean that you will not be hit with it again. There is a different aspect of the anger that you haven’t addressed.
There are different types of losses. You may be going through the loss of a special person, but however, there are losses that occur that you don’t realize that require processing just as much a loss of a loved one. There is a loss of a home, Job, finance, friend who moved away or a relationship that didn’t work. A divorce. The key does not disregard these losses as something you don’t have to process. Loss is a loss.
Once you have acknowledged what it is that you are going through. You can take a deep breath, don’t beat yourself up about it and carry on.
This post just showed up in my FB today. I loved it. It was encouraging and felt I wanted to share it with you. Have no idea who wrote it. But that is what I needed today. Just Keep going. Hope you are having a wonderful weekend. I’m working on it. Been raining for 3 weeks down in Florida.
You get to a point in you life when you can not escape the experiences of grief. The experiences are different, pending on the relation to you. Whether it is our parents, spouse, or children the pain of grief is immobolizing. I’ve experienced all three, even though the spouse was an ex. Still felt bad, because he gave me two beautiful boys. So I can honestly say I can speak to this subject.
The biggest question is how long should you grieve? The answer is: It is my journey, and when it takes as long as it takes. There are the 5 stages, by Kubler-Ross. I included them in a previous post. You will move on and there are several ways to help you. That is what motivated me to create this blog. You will heal. But there is, and always will be a hole in your heart where your relation(s) was.
Even if you expect a loss, you never are ready for it. The idea sends you into shell shock, your numb and you walk around like you are in a constant fog. This doesn’t have to happen. But it does, more often than not. As time goes by, the fog starts to lift. This is the time you need to start taking your own initiative to do things. Be creative, write in journal, read…so many options.
There will be moments when something sets you off, but You get back on track, but it is only 2 steps back not 10. Acknowledge what you have done, be proud and know you will make it through.
This isn’t the easiest topic. But I feel that by helping you understand my journey, it might also help you understand you are not alone, not just you. Most important you will be ok.
Please comment or you are welcome to leave a message to contact you if you need someone to talk to.
“If you do what you always did, you will get what you always got.” —Anonymous
It has been a rainy day, and I found there was not much I felt like doing, so I reflected on my life and the challenges I had to face. I look at my resume and see my accomplishments and was amazed at what I really did do. I look at pictures and think of the relationships. Saw how I grew as time passed. Saw how the kids grow and their amazing tributes they offered this planet. Proud Momma.
Take this time to reflect and write out your accomplishments. Then on a rainy day. Take them out and read them. Smile to yourself, and say. I’m Strong. I can accomplish anything I want to do. Because look what I have already done! Be proud of you! Even on rainy days!