December 17, 1986 to December 5, 2012
There have been 7 years since you have passed. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about you. I miss you so much. I know you are watching over us. You had a heart of gold. You were a great dad! Always a good kid and joking and very loving! You now have your brother in heaven to keep you company and causing mischief! You are gone but never forgotten my dear son.
Over the recent years, I have found that grief has many faces. People who lost a child is not the same as someone who lost a parent or spouse. Now, this does not mean that it is any less significant. It is different. I spent many hours reading and in groups, trying to make sense of it, if you can at all.
Then I realized that people who have lost children have different types of experiences as well. I have not lost a child at birth, through an accident, or very super young. My heart goes out to them. But when you have a child that is in his 20’s, 30’s or more. You got to know them. You raised them. You got to watch them grow, all their firsts, all the times you kissed their wounds, held them and comforted them, watch them in their accomplishments and made you proud. It is just different!
But understand when you tell me how all your children are around you. When you know your kids are going to be there at the holidays, the phone calls have stopped. All the commercials are on TV and you realize, oh yes I don’t have to get anything. You can’t be afraid to talk to someone, but be sensitive if they are having a hard day. Don’t take it personally. You find you are all alone a lot…no matter who is around you.
If that is not hard enough. Then you lose both your children. I don’t want you to understand. But sometimes I don’t want to suck it up either. Move on? Really? I hope you never get to know what it is like to lose lose a child or two. Grief is a process. it is not a mental illness. You have to walk through it. In your time not everyone elses. Not all days are bad. When you go with the flow and acknowelege that..the feelings are just part of loss. Allow yourself to be with your broken heart. You will always be ok! I promise you. As time moves on, I have more good days than not. There are only 24 hours in a day and tomorrow will be better!
I found this article that I have cited to be a very useful how to bit of info. I have used the process of autowriting for several years. I have not been able to receive messages audibly from spirit. I found that putting a pen to paper seemed to connect regularly for me. The messages are clear. I always ask for the highest and best purpose.
In the beginning I could not read what I wrote. So I asked spirit for me to keep my eyes open so I can reread the messages later on. Well I started to question message. Didn’t seem real. Then I just put the pen down and i started to scribble. I realized it doesn’t matter whether or not i can read it later. I got the message when i did. I rewrite later. Everyone is different. When I first started this work, I thought I wasn’t reaching spirit correctly. I wasn’t doing it psychically. But I was getting messages. Very important messages. This has helped me even more since my boys have past. I have been able to communicate with them.
This is very healing for me. It goes along with a lot of my journaling. I’ve looked back at many of my messages and it has made me smile what I’ve accomplished since writing. Try it and have fun. It is important to connect with your inner self. Take time for you. We all have the power to speak with our loved ones. They are all around us and would love to communicate with us. I went to a few mediums and one simply said do autowriting he has something personal he wants to tell just you. I started to trust the process at that time, more than ever.
Levesque, Angela. “Your Guide to Automatic Writing.” OMTimes Magazine, 23 Mar. 2014, omtimes.com/2014/03/sacred-scribe-guide-automatic-writing/.
To me this saying is to get past the fear, is put one step in front of the other. That sounds so simple. When you are in the middle of your deepest fear, depression or anxiety…you just want to smack someone when they say something so cliche!
When I read this quote. The first thing I thought of is to start with a cup of coffee!. That is necessary. It gets your mind thinking. I worked years amonst engineers and they always had a cup of coffee in their hand as they walked around with their minds in a creative place. I had many days that I looked at the white screen that needed words on it desparately. My mind was whirling and couldn’t figure what to write. I went to famous quotes, then images created my own meme in Microsoft Publisher. Wala, I have an image. No… it wasn’t my quote, No it wasn’t my image. It wasn’t even the original image the quote was on! But what it did is it made it possible for my mind to start writing and journaling.
The next step will be the impossible. That will be my own images that I create, and the quote maybe my own.
I see that this quote is a useful one especially when I don’t want to exercise. Just getting up is necessary. Walk a few steps, Then what I thought was impossible was walking down the street daily. Not quite there yet. When I go through difficult challenges, something so simple as starting with a cup of coffee or getting up off my butt…just might be the very thing that sparks the impossible! This could be used for organizing too. I have a few piles of stuff to be addressed! Looking at it this way. The Impossible is action. It becomes possible and then necessary! Try it!
I spent many years staying in the house. I did not exactly not have a good excuse and I used them all. Mainly no access to a vehicle, because of my partner’s work. I had a horrible accident back in 2011 with a 18 wheeler. It has left me with a challenge to walk. Something happened…maybe a divine intervention. I don’t know. But it wasn’t good on his part but definately for me. He landed in the hospital. He’s doing a little better. But he can’t work. So guess who has to drive.
It was easy to stay in the house and have a pity party. But I went online and found things to do that I like. I went to a meditation group and joined a book club. I love it. I’m not done yet! I’m going to be able to start doing Reiki in at the meditation group. I know my son wanted to me to get out more and be independent. I really started to do that after he passed in January. But then got quite comfortable sitting in my spot in front of the TV. I need to stick with this. My soul has been crying out to meet new like minded people. To come alive again. I loved getting out.
I’ve very glad that D (my partner) is doing well by the day. But he can’t really go out and work yet. When or if he does. I made an agreement to use the car in the day and he can work at night. He likes waking up late and I’m a mornings. It is amazing how you are thrown road blocks and then when you take a minute you get to see how they were not at all meant to block you but to free you!
Back in about 2008, I started my Masters program in Strategic Leadership and Personal Development. I completed 3/4 of the program minus the internship. At this time my eldest son found he had brain cancer. Just couldn’t put two words together at the time. Years since, i wanted to finish my program. The school since closed and life just took me away to this past year where I lost my second son to sepsis.
I feel that the life experience that I had gone through these years certainly can be justified as an internship. I don’t think there is a more difficult road to follow. The loss of 2 children. My story, my strength, my work, my studying says it all. So this degree might have taken a round about direction. But I landed where I needed to be. Many parents are losing children more and more unfortunately. But my story is my story. It is something only to be experienced. These writings are the beginnings of my book. No one can tell me that I am wrong or right…once you lose someone, especially children. I am at a level in spirituality that I am ready to face whatever God is about to hand me. Because I have already survived the most unimaginable task of giving my children up to spirit. I got a message from spirit in meditation not to long ago. I was told that my children are in good hands and now it is my turn to heal and work my purpose.
Just when I think I have been through the worst, my life partner ended up emergency with Congested Heart Failure and Hypertension. He was in there for a week and now I’m here and have to face this. I felt myself getting soooo mad. How dare he. I was just beginning to feel a bit better. Then in this morning meditation, I realized it was me I am mad at. I need to be able to fulfill my purpose no matter what is thrown at me. All will be well. That insight was not an easy one to face. I’ve already been though enough. This has got to stop. But I saw, inspite of everything that goes on around me, I have to heal myself first. All else will heal by itself. Just by being.
I got my marching orders. I’ve always been a healer, and my path is about helping others. I just never got the clarification before hand about what I was helping others with. Leadership is about leading yourself first then others. The determination to do so comes from my inner being. My Masters Degree is complete! So it is! Next…
I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have questioned myself. What is my calling?
I have been searching and researching since I was a little girl. There was something in me that felt that I did not fit into the box of the big 3 major religions. I am a rebel from right out of the gate. Being a rebel isn’t always a bad thing. Most of the trouble I’d get myself in, is with my mouth. Always inquisitive! Putting the pieces of the puzzle together and possibly take that path. I took risks and I got burned and more often I succeeded. I never gave up searching. The calling was always strong.
My research took me to the eastern philosophies. I learned about energy and became a Reiki Master\Teacher. I learned many other types of healing. I knew myself better, that i could not remember all those terms in main stream medicine. Nor Eastern for that fact! I felt that I was being called to heal. Researching western mysticism of Kabbalah led me to another path. There is a similarity between the healing that and the chakra system. The energy centers are just called something different. Both systems are complex as you get more advanced, yet fascinating!
When you start to compare various philosophies, you will find that there is a common thread and that is called Love. At this point no matter what direction that was chosen, I couldn’t go wrong as long as it came from a place of love. When I would meditate I would get some insightful messages. I’d get you are going to do this or that, but not how to do it. This left me frustrated and led me to the question…what next.
I’ve been journaling for several years and wrote these messages down. So I started a list of what I liked working on. I had 25 years of journals to choose from. Went to several seminars. Had such a zest to learn more. It was never enough to fill some void that I had to fulfill a calling. I never could quite put my finger on exactly.
Then in 2012 I lost my son older son to Brain Cancer. It left me numb for several years. Didn’t do any healing and especially not on myself. I ate through my grief. Just I felt I was coming out of the fog, My younger and only son was taken from me. I have nothing left to lose. My heart is broken. So I thought. I started doing what always made me feel good. I wrote. I joined groups of other parents who lost children. Having lost one son already and time has passed. I felt that I can be of service to others. I also wanted to help others with coping with grief with out the help of meds. Working with a do it yourself method when going through the worst moments. So combining the my energy healing background and my experience I took to writing this blog. Writing gives me a purpose and and reason to share and be of service to others.
The blog started this way but also has evolved to helping anyone who felt that wanted to heal look at healing themselves. Not just people grieving for children either. I’m not a doctor. I do have to say check with your doctor before trying any form of healing. But I think you don’t need permission to take deep breaths. I have tried several of the different methods that I have shared. Many times I haven’t.
Would love to hear from you on your experience. Many times when we go through difficult times. It appears we can not get out of our own way. Look through some old posts and try something different. One way doesn’t work for all. Sometimes I go back myself and look, because I need a reminder. I really appreciate all of you that have started following me and would love to hear from you! Do you know what your calling is?
This life… is your movie, You have choices to make for you and for no one else. Like the above meme states we have to accept the consequences for every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime. Taking responsibility is not always easy. But it is very healing. Because you get to see how much power you really do have within yourself. You can choose to have a roll on how it plays out for you.
Someone I know, gave me some bad news that they thought could happen if things don’t change and I don’t take action. So my thinking started to go on a whirlwind downhill. I’ve been upset and miserable because of this for several days. Then I realized that is my story not anyone elses. I awakened with the feeling that I can change this. So I kept repeating my favorite saying. Everything will be ok. I kept doing this and realized that the energy shifted. I was not miserable. We were joking and things started to look uplifting around me. I felt good things are coming my way.
When we get flustered, we tend to seek outside of ourselves to see what someone else may have to offer on the topic. But ultimately it is up to us. We take what we need and leave the rest. Ultimately the choice is ours and how we react or act. Sometimes we are dealt some really rough issues. Sometimes too many at once. However, this is the time to take to go within and meditate. Take a deep breath, and see what advice spirit has in store for you. You might be surprised. If you are headed down a path that starts to appear just not right…turn around and run.
Years ago I was told by an elder that I was a very strong person. During these times when I feel like I’m drowning, I tend to reach up to a sinking ship, wondering why they can’t save me. In many instances, I’ve been the one pulling them up by the boot straps anyway! This is the time that I need to pull up my big girl pants and walk to shore. Because I am actually in shallow water all that time. I can count on me like I always have and get on with life.
Note: Rely on yourself and your own creator every time you are confronted with a path that was not meant for you.
“Intelligence is the ability to adapt to change“…Stephen Hawking
Who am I to question the great Stephen Hawking. I started within my mind to do just that. Then I started to look at all the changes that I have been required to adapt to. Then thought to myself, damn I’m good!
When I’m on my journey I tend to seek inquires to people to see if I’m on the right track. Doesn’t mean my ability is less. It means I’m on an information fact finding journey. Once I gather all the information I will make my decision. When I tend to find many challenges are flying at me at once, I do reach out to see what others might do if they were in a situation. Doesn’t mean I buy into all the input, It means that I want to look at all sides of the problem before moving forward. I do have the ability to adapt to change. If anyone can, it is someone who has lost. Many kinds of loss, it is not just people. During this year I also had a partner lose his job, which resulted in loss of income. If that is not adapting I don’t know what is.
There is no time for a pity party, I picked up and move on. He got a job and I just treated myself to a brand new 2020 Car! It is my birthday present to me. I have the ability to adapt to positive outcomes. So do you!
Back on the 6th of September, I had celebrated my life on this earth for 67 years. I never hid the number from anyone. As time has passed, I learned many lessons. I noticed that some really are not repeating anymore. I celebrated those. I have hit the existing ones head on.
As I grow older I matured. my mind didn’t feel old, but my body reminded me. My body took the brunt end of my emotions through those lessons. The lesson that took the hardest hit at me was the loss of my two children. Wondering why I’m here and the two boys left at such an early age. My friend told me that my eyes looked vacant yestersday. This bothered me. Because I saw it in the photo myself.
Why me? That wasn’t the question. The creator doesn’t want a pity party! I took that lesson to task and asked the creator on the Harvest Moon. A time when the vail between the worlds is thin. I trust the creator, but doesn’t mean I have to like the answer. I try to understand it. The answer was that I fulfilled my purpose as a parent into ascending their spirtual growth to their perspective levels in the upper dimensions. They did their part in my lessons into ascending to my level of spirituality on earth. As I mature I may not have done so if they were not in my life to test me. This was an agreement on the other side between us. They were my teachers there and on earth.
Trying to understand this thought I remembered reading a meme a few months ago about how when you lose a child, that you are at a very high spiritual level at this point in time and closest to the creator. The grief is so gut wrenching that you have nothing left to lose. This also means that the greatest and strongest power is within us to create. To have endless flows of energy. But i couldn’t see it at the time. As the fog and shell shock of grief starts to wear off, you start to create , write, draw, design, stitch fheal and many other wonderful things. I’m finding a sense of peace that knowing my children are in good hands and they are serving their purpose. I know they are around me all the time.
Now it is my turn to pay attention to the path and the direction I am going. I am free to do this now. Just have to give myself the permission to do so. I saw after I got that message last night that I have some marching orders. I was set free, thekids are ok. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever not miss them, I certainly love them. It means that it is out of my hands. It is my turn to be healed and then to heal. To heal through my arts and through my gift of healing. My soul has been hungry for a long time. Grief has taken a good part of the past 7 years of my life between my two beautiful sons. Time to feed her and not my body.